::know your worth::

As I sit down to write this post, I am currently eating alone. I’m sure some of you cringe at the thought thinking, “oh, she must be so lonely”. Or perhaps you are wondering why I don’t have anybody to sit with. Or maybe you’re happy that the last meal you ate wasn’t by yourself. Maybe you’re thinking none of those things, but I can tell you that the people around me in this very crowded dining hall sure are pondering why I am alone. I know because they are looking at me. Luckily, it doesn’t bother me, but at one time it did. As I take a moment to look around, there is one thing, and one thing only that stands out, and that is that everybody has a partner. Someone to sit and eat with, whether it is one other person or four, nobody else is alone, but me. Is this odd or normal though? That is my question.

I often think that we, as a society, or at least my age group (18-24) underestimate the importance of taking some time for yourself. We become self conscious at the idea of not being surrounded by our “friends”, not having someone immediately there to talk to. We don’t want to look like we are sad because we are by ourselves. In reality, though, I think being alone in the face of others who are not is essential to better understanding yourself.

If you think about it, what else is more stripping than being around others when you yourself are by yourself? I don’t think anything. For me, an observer, it is quite fascinating to look around and understand what you see.

When you strip it all down, you begin to realize that each and every person is essentially the same. Especially in this new time of college, I look around and see most of my peers trying so hard. What are they trying to do? Be cool? It’s not even that. Everyone is just trying to fit in. Somewhere, anywhere. And this is the peril in new friendships. You so easily get locked into a group of people simply because they accept you. Do you like them? Sure, they’re fine. Do you have fun with them? Sometimes. Do they “get” you? Probably not. But they hang out with you and you walk places together and eat together and hang out in the lounge together. Why? So that you don’t have to be by yourself. So that you don’t have to face yourself. That’s why. And I get it, nobody wants to spend their whole life alone. So to some extent, you have to hang out with them, because without them you have no face to face companionship, but at the same time, you don’t want to spend every waking minute with them because you have to appear like you’re also in the market for meeting new people. But it’s hard to find that balance, nearly impossible actually. I struggle with that now, and probably will for a long time. I am always caught in between friends, because there are many sides to my personality, and I know that I need to be able to foster all sides of it, and I do that a lot with friends. But i’m picky. Because I know what I deserve and I can tell you that that is one of the most important things that you can ever do for yourself. Know your worth. This applies to not only friendships, but who you date and where you work: evaluate the way you are treated and if it’s not what you want, adjust it. And the way to do that is to know who you are, know what you will and will not stand for, and don’t take the shit that people will deal to you.

This has become, in some sorts, a rant that has nothing to do with dining alone, but the last thing I will say is to just try it. You might be surprised.

That’s all for now, mainly because I have finished my dinner.

With love, lots of it.

::finding freedom from yourself::

Thinking back on the last four years, a lot has changed... and if you would have asked me four years ago what my life would look like today, the answer would have been dramatically different from today’s reality. When I started high school, I was trapped. I was going to school with the same girls that I had known all my life which meant that when we all got to high school, we would stay friends with the same friends and not let anyone into the circle that we knew as comfortable.  There was no room for growth or to redefine yourself, because in high school, you continued to be the person that you were in kindergarten. That’s how Pasadena worked, and there was no escaping it. During my first year of high school, I struggled to keep who I knew I could be intact while also continuing to play my part in the community around me. I knew who I was at the core of my being, but I didn’t quite know how to express myself fully, but more than that, I wasn’t confident in the person I was because I was different than the rest of my friends. I had a difficult time figuring out if it was better to be the girl I had always been or if it was better to go out on a limb and be true to myself. The problem was that going out on a limb is innately scary because there are no guarantees, but I also knew that it wasn’t fair to myself to box myself into the person I was at the age of seven. That’s why when my mom broached the idea of moving to Portland, I took her up on her offer.

When I arrived at St. Mary’s to interview, something magical happened. I walked up the steps, and I just knew that it was the right place for me. I had finally found a place that I belonged. I had always felt a little out of place, kind of like I was an oval peg for a round hole- not entirely different, but too much so that I didn’t fit in like all the other pieces. Little did I know that St. Mary’s was my oval hole, the place I finally fit into. I trusted my gut and went for it, and it’s been the best thing that has ever happened. That has been something that I have learned during these past four years: to trust my gut. I trusted it when I walked up the steps, I trusted it with my new friends, I trusted it with opportunities that arose, and I ultimately trusted my gut when it came to picking a college. I learned that things happen for a reason, and that sometimes you just have to stop questioning it, and start trusting in it. Life has a way of eventually working out in all the right ways, and there’s no sense in trying to plan for it or figure it out because as soon as you get a little cocky and think you understand, there’s a curveball that’s thrown in there that messes it all up.

I have learned so many things during these last four years, and I love to be able to say that I have learned them from my experiences with people, which is only slightly ironic because people are the very thing that I felt disconnected from when I was younger. I would have said growing up, except for the fact that it has been during my time here in Portland and at St. Mary’s for these last three years that I have truly done most of my growing up. I think back to when I was a sophomore and terrified by taking the streetcar by myself and now I ride it with ease. I am not scared of the world around me, instead I am open to it with the understanding that it has so many amazing things to offer.  I also think about how I walked into the first day of school sophomore year, so concerned about people’s perceptions of me and now I unapologetically accept who I am without any second thoughts. I did learn that other people will try to change you into being what they want you to be, but you have to stand firm and understand who you are because at the end of the day, you are the one with your thoughts in your head and you are the one who has to live with the decisions that you’ve made, and I can assure you that if you made a decision for someone other than yourself, at some point, you will regret it because you weren’t staying true to who you are. You weren’t listening to yourself and you didn’t trust your instincts that are the very thing that have brought you to where you are. If you get swept up in what other people want you to do or be, then you’re not allowing yourself to be you. Four years later I am happy to be confident in the woman I have become and I am so grateful that I had the bravery to take the leap of faith in order to be able to do that. I think back to how I thought that myself and those around me were so different when in reality we are all so much the same. We all want to be loved and accepted and feel a sense of worth. We all go through struggles, and although those struggles might be different, the pain that we feel is essentially the same. We struggle to understand how important we truly are and how important it is to listen to ourselves. We all go through our experiences that change us, either for the better or they fracture us, but it is up to us to decide how that moment defines us.

All of the things that I have learned have made me into the person I am today. I trust my gut, I stay true to who I am, and I live for myself. I understand that things change and although they are uncomfortable, they are necessary. I also now know that sometimes the things that are scariest, like taking a leap of faith, never knowing where you will land are the best things that you can do for yourself. However, the main thing that I have learned is that you don’t have to box yourself into one container, you can be many different things and you have the ability to redefine yourself at any point, but you have to actively choose to do that. Now as I end high school, I am free. Free to be whoever I want to be, unapologetically, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  

::jitters::

Well, it's happening. I'm taking the plunge and getting a tattoo. After much thought and confusion, I scheduled my appointment for this friday (ah!), but being a tattoo newbie, I found it difficult to navigate through a world I knew nothing about. So take my experience as one to learn from. I will be sure to post later about my full experience after going through with it, but for now I will share my thoughts and questions up to this point.


Q. How do you find the right person for the job?

A. Lots and lots of searching! For me, I first did a google search, then yelped the place and saw the people who seemed to be the most popular at the shop. Then, I would go to their website and look at their work. If I wanted to see more, I would go to the shops facebook page, tumblr, or instagram (via hashtags). This seemed to work well for me because I could see a variety of work and really assess which artist I liked the most. Another important thing that people don't really tell you is that it is important to get a feel for the shop as a whole as well. This is your experience, so it's important that you feel comfortable there.


Q. How did you go about booking an appointment or did you just walk in?

A. I knew that I wanted to get a tattoo while I was still living in Portland, which meant anytime before July 20th, but I kind of dragged my feet on actually booking an appointment until June. The first place I contacted by email and after about two weeks, I realized that scheduling was just going to be too confusing for us both. He told me that the first appointment he had available was for the end of August, which obviously was not going to work for me. So, I went back to the drawing board and found two places (one of which I had visited before when my friend got her tattoo). I went about trying to schedule the same way: email, which did not work. First of all, it took a while for them to respond because of the high volume of emails they receive and the two artists I contacted said they were all booked up. Feeling discouraged, I told myself that I would just have to walk in one day and hope for the best. My mom (who is in full support of this) and I decided that we would go to one of the shops one day just to acquire information, and lucky me, I actually was able to book and appointment!

Q. What should I bring to my consultation? 

A. I would recommend having a very clear idea of what you want, but also being open to the artists interpretation. They are the there to give you what you want, but you have to remember that they can't read your mind or pull out your vision from your head, so you have to be very clear. I brought in two pictures of what I wanted (with minor revisions) and then three of ones that I absolutely did not want. I think that by showing them pictures of what you love and what you hate, it helps them bring your vision to life.

I have a question myself: Is it weird that i'm not nervous?!

Make sure to check back to see how it ended up turning out- I can't wait to see!

with love, lots of it. 

::jammin'::

Finding music to jam to while working out is always something that I find so difficult. Perhaps because ideally, you work out every day ( I said ideally, didn't I!) the music becomes repetitive and boring which means two things: you either take the time to find new music or you just quit working out until you find the music to motivate you. Well, here's your motivation. There is a real mix between fast/slow and old/new so watch out! 

Someday:: Black Eyed Peas

Brokenhearted:: Karmin

Whistle: Flo Rida 

this

Heart Skips a Beat:: Olly Murs

Circles:: Christina Aguilera

Runaway Baby:: Bruno Mars

Feel This Moment:: Pitbull, Christina Aguilera 

Nothing To Worry About:: Peter Bijorn and John

Who's That Chick?:: David Guetta, Rihanna 

Que Veux Tu- Madeon Remix:: Yelle

Princess of China- Invisible Men Remix:: Coldplay, Rihanna

Please Don't Go:: Mike Posner

Hit The Lights & Come and Get It- DJ M3 Mixshow Extended Remix:: Selena Gomez

Bad Girls- Power Remix:: J Rae

Blurred Lines:: Robin Thicke

Tip: Spotify and Pandora are your best friends! They can help you find music similar to your taste via recommendations. 

Tip: Remixes make for awesome workout music, so once you find a song you like, search for remixes. Make sure to search, search, search though because some of them are terrible while others are awesome!

Here is my spotify profile if you're interested in more music!

I would love to hear your music favorites for working out, leave a comment below!

::stop&ponder::

Rarely do I come across something that makes me stop, reread and ponder, but this little gem that I found on pinterest did just that. It was my oldest brother’s college graduation last weekend, and with that being said, you bet I heard a bunch of commencement speeches about the future and how capable the youth of America is (debatable at times, no?). But I always seem to be disappointed with commencement speeches because they lack a sense of the poetic nature of language that the words need to really hit you hard and make you remember it. This did exactly that: acknowledged where you’ve been, where you are, where you’re going and how even though you have accomplished so much, you still have so much more in you to do and give. 

If you’re ever looking for some encouragement, visit here, and i’m sure you’ll find it. 

::dear younger self: one hundred things::

1. your life is about you and no one else. do things because you want to, not because it’s what everyone else is doing

2. don’t ever be ashamed of yourself

3. it’s okay not to be okay

4. dance like no one is watching... it’s much more fun that way

5. the sooner you love yourself, the sooner you’re happier all around

6. love where you live

7. if you’re unhappy, know that you have the power to change it

8. change is scary but necessary

9. it’s okay not to be sporty

10. in the wise words of Carrie Bradshaw, “you must fall in love with yourself first”

11. in the end, we are all the same. everyone has the same fears of being left out and not accepted. know that you are not alone

12. trust your gut... it leads you to what you need

13. never ever let anyone else tell you what to do. if someone does that, do the opposite

14. when in doubt, communicate

15. don’t attribute your success to something else or someone else. it was you, all you.

16. be the friend that you want to have

17. understand when you are giving too much and not receiving in return

18. put down the technology... life was better before it (ironic, no?)

19. watch everything and learn from others. that way you don’t make the mistakes that you’ve watched others make

20. you choose your attitude

21. people are essentially good

22. work on your penmanship, people always like nice handwriting

23. find a workout that works for you- it feeds your mind, body and soul

24. fake it ‘till you make it

25. be nice. but also a little sassy

26. buy whatever you want, but only if you have the money in your hands. don’t spend money you don’t physically have

27. find at least one little thing that makes you happy no matter what. aka cats

28. wear sunscreen. lots of it.

29. push through your fear of rejection

30. come up with a list of conversation starters & questions... that way you can talk to anyone. even a wall

31. don’t be that sloppy drunk girl. it’s never attractive. ever

32. celebrate the everyday

33. understand that instagram, facebook, pinterest, even blogging are

all just an allusion. we post about the good things and leave out the bad. things are not always as they seem

34. master the art of the “on the go” look. it will come in handy

35. don’t be afraid to do things that scare you

36. explore the area that you live in- there’s always new hidden gems to be found

37. eat the cake. and the chips.

38. just do it in moderation. unless its a special occasion. then do whatever you want

39. ask a lot of questions

40. no one expects you to be perfect

41. you put way more pressure on yourself than anyone else

42. be the girl that guys want to be friends with, not just the one they want to bang

43. this too shall pass

44. take more leisurely walks. don't always be in such a rush

45. wear things that make you feel pretty

46. everything really does happen for a reason

47. give people second chances

48. your mom is your best friend

49. sometimes you don’t know what’s best for yourself

50. stop looking forward, because eventually you will be looking back thinking, where did all of that time go?

51. someone out there thinks you are literally the coolest person in the world. embrace that, because you are pretty darn cool

52. take time to figure yourself out

53. don’t expect anything... then you’ll be pleasantly surprised by a lot

54. realize things don’t last forever. sometimes this is good and other time it sucks. a lot

55. if you feel trapped, have the courage to find a way out. it’s so much better on the other side

56. i would say something about studying, but i haven’t mastered that yet. check back with me after college. maybe then i will have figured it out, but probably not

57. have an opinion. being the girl that says “i don’t care” means you will be doing what other people want to do your whole life

58. do weird things with random people

59. get spray tans instead of real tans

60. create memories and don’t forget about them. write them down. journal. anything

61. watch reality tv, you will learn a lot from those crazy ass people

62. travel

63. don’t try too hard. people can tell and it’s embarrassing

64. dress appropriately for the occasion

65. with the iphone, there’s no excuse to not have pictures of your life

66. think of things from different points of views, it might expand yours

67. sing those sassy songs

68. your parents were right

69. question why people are considered cool. you might realize that there are a lot “cooler” people out there. they’re also a lot more interesting

70. free your mind of judgement

71. money is better spent on activities and making memories than other items

72. reinvent yourself. don’t box yourself into something you used to be but are not anymore

73. all those things that you had all planned out never work out. but it’s okay because the plan that you didn’t see coming is much better

74. live simply

75. send mail. people love to get handwritten letters

76. accept the fact that you’re not always right.

77. if you feel better in makeup, just wear it! don’t believe that guys like you better without it. what they really like is a simple makeup look. we all know we look better when our face is evened out instead of blotchy

78. sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot

79. new is scary

80. mom was right when she said to show it instead of say it

81. become a good gift giver- it makes giving gifts a lot of fun

82. know that things are not always as they seem

83. never assume

84. you can have more than one best friend

85. don’t live in a mess. clean up after yourself

86. breathe

87. know that you are judged by the people you associate with: choose wisely

88. get the tattoo. be rebellious

89. be your own advocate. no one else will be.

90. make an effort

91. leave some things for the imagination

92. stop complaining. other people don’t like it. you don’t like it. if you have to do it, do it in your head

93. treat yourself to nice things. you deserve them

94. live with intention

95. so many things can change in a year

96. a lot of times, you can feel like an oval peg for a round hole. not completely wrong, but just different enough so that you don’t fit. eventually you will find that oval hole. don’t worry, you will.

97. glitter may be the herpes of crafting, but it’s also the best thing ever

98. if you have a problem with someone, be upfront and honest about it.

99. learn which battles are the ones worth fighting for

100. be unapologetically you

::a guide to thank you notes::

thank you notes. some dread them, others love them. I tend to be someone who loves them. on Christmas each year, I have a stack of thank you notes next to me and write them as I open gifts (what else am I supposed to do while I wait for my family to open theirs?!) but something was different this past time when I was gearing up to write them. usually I get a giddy feeling because I can’t wait to find the perfect card for the occasion. but this time, i searched a while to find the perfect cards, even trying to get some made, but it just wasn’t right. and then it clicked. I should hand make each and every one of them. i got that fun feeling again when I walked into paper source- oh how I love that store! I could literally spend my life’s savings there. no problem. sadly, I had to control myself and put back about half of the things I picked up. sad day. but it was also a happy day because I got excited to put in the time and effort to create a token for my appreciation for the people who took time out of their day to do something nice for me.

so long story short, here are my tips for writing and making thank you notes.

1.think about the person you are sending (or giving) the note to
I usually come up with a few different prototypes and adjust accordingly to the person. I adjust a few ways. first, I think about if it’s a boy, girl, or family and adjust colors. next, I think about if the person appreciates little details and paper (my aunt loovveess paper goods like I do, so I always make hers a little more special). lastly, I think about if they are more traditional or a little more funky, and adjust accordingly.

2. use language that isn’t generic 
this one can be hard, but it does make a difference. just think about it, would you rather get a card of someone saying the same thing you’ve heard a million times or a card that says thank you in a creative way? you can see the pictures below as ideas of how to make fun and different cards

3. remember that even if you don’t know the person you are sending a thank you note to as well and therefore don’t have as much to say, the time and effort that you put into making the note expresses a lot of gratitude

here are a few peaks for some inspiration:

{thickers are actually my favorite thing ever... just trust me on this one}

{a cute way to make people smile when they open your note}

{make sure and know your audience. this is much better suited for a man, hence the change in ribbon… it’s a must!}

{adding a liner to your envelope is a cute&quick way to add character}

{don’t forget to add some detail to the envelope…it’s one of the easiest ways to show that you really are appreciative and took extra effort to thank them}

I hope you enjoyed this little post, and remember, have fun with these! get creative, be thoughtful, and be prompt!

with love. lots of it.