::know your worth::

As I sit down to write this post, I am currently eating alone. I’m sure some of you cringe at the thought thinking, “oh, she must be so lonely”. Or perhaps you are wondering why I don’t have anybody to sit with. Or maybe you’re happy that the last meal you ate wasn’t by yourself. Maybe you’re thinking none of those things, but I can tell you that the people around me in this very crowded dining hall sure are pondering why I am alone. I know because they are looking at me. Luckily, it doesn’t bother me, but at one time it did. As I take a moment to look around, there is one thing, and one thing only that stands out, and that is that everybody has a partner. Someone to sit and eat with, whether it is one other person or four, nobody else is alone, but me. Is this odd or normal though? That is my question.

I often think that we, as a society, or at least my age group (18-24) underestimate the importance of taking some time for yourself. We become self conscious at the idea of not being surrounded by our “friends”, not having someone immediately there to talk to. We don’t want to look like we are sad because we are by ourselves. In reality, though, I think being alone in the face of others who are not is essential to better understanding yourself.

If you think about it, what else is more stripping than being around others when you yourself are by yourself? I don’t think anything. For me, an observer, it is quite fascinating to look around and understand what you see.

When you strip it all down, you begin to realize that each and every person is essentially the same. Especially in this new time of college, I look around and see most of my peers trying so hard. What are they trying to do? Be cool? It’s not even that. Everyone is just trying to fit in. Somewhere, anywhere. And this is the peril in new friendships. You so easily get locked into a group of people simply because they accept you. Do you like them? Sure, they’re fine. Do you have fun with them? Sometimes. Do they “get” you? Probably not. But they hang out with you and you walk places together and eat together and hang out in the lounge together. Why? So that you don’t have to be by yourself. So that you don’t have to face yourself. That’s why. And I get it, nobody wants to spend their whole life alone. So to some extent, you have to hang out with them, because without them you have no face to face companionship, but at the same time, you don’t want to spend every waking minute with them because you have to appear like you’re also in the market for meeting new people. But it’s hard to find that balance, nearly impossible actually. I struggle with that now, and probably will for a long time. I am always caught in between friends, because there are many sides to my personality, and I know that I need to be able to foster all sides of it, and I do that a lot with friends. But i’m picky. Because I know what I deserve and I can tell you that that is one of the most important things that you can ever do for yourself. Know your worth. This applies to not only friendships, but who you date and where you work: evaluate the way you are treated and if it’s not what you want, adjust it. And the way to do that is to know who you are, know what you will and will not stand for, and don’t take the shit that people will deal to you.

This has become, in some sorts, a rant that has nothing to do with dining alone, but the last thing I will say is to just try it. You might be surprised.

That’s all for now, mainly because I have finished my dinner.

With love, lots of it.

::finding freedom from yourself::

Thinking back on the last four years, a lot has changed... and if you would have asked me four years ago what my life would look like today, the answer would have been dramatically different from today’s reality. When I started high school, I was trapped. I was going to school with the same girls that I had known all my life which meant that when we all got to high school, we would stay friends with the same friends and not let anyone into the circle that we knew as comfortable.  There was no room for growth or to redefine yourself, because in high school, you continued to be the person that you were in kindergarten. That’s how Pasadena worked, and there was no escaping it. During my first year of high school, I struggled to keep who I knew I could be intact while also continuing to play my part in the community around me. I knew who I was at the core of my being, but I didn’t quite know how to express myself fully, but more than that, I wasn’t confident in the person I was because I was different than the rest of my friends. I had a difficult time figuring out if it was better to be the girl I had always been or if it was better to go out on a limb and be true to myself. The problem was that going out on a limb is innately scary because there are no guarantees, but I also knew that it wasn’t fair to myself to box myself into the person I was at the age of seven. That’s why when my mom broached the idea of moving to Portland, I took her up on her offer.

When I arrived at St. Mary’s to interview, something magical happened. I walked up the steps, and I just knew that it was the right place for me. I had finally found a place that I belonged. I had always felt a little out of place, kind of like I was an oval peg for a round hole- not entirely different, but too much so that I didn’t fit in like all the other pieces. Little did I know that St. Mary’s was my oval hole, the place I finally fit into. I trusted my gut and went for it, and it’s been the best thing that has ever happened. That has been something that I have learned during these past four years: to trust my gut. I trusted it when I walked up the steps, I trusted it with my new friends, I trusted it with opportunities that arose, and I ultimately trusted my gut when it came to picking a college. I learned that things happen for a reason, and that sometimes you just have to stop questioning it, and start trusting in it. Life has a way of eventually working out in all the right ways, and there’s no sense in trying to plan for it or figure it out because as soon as you get a little cocky and think you understand, there’s a curveball that’s thrown in there that messes it all up.

I have learned so many things during these last four years, and I love to be able to say that I have learned them from my experiences with people, which is only slightly ironic because people are the very thing that I felt disconnected from when I was younger. I would have said growing up, except for the fact that it has been during my time here in Portland and at St. Mary’s for these last three years that I have truly done most of my growing up. I think back to when I was a sophomore and terrified by taking the streetcar by myself and now I ride it with ease. I am not scared of the world around me, instead I am open to it with the understanding that it has so many amazing things to offer.  I also think about how I walked into the first day of school sophomore year, so concerned about people’s perceptions of me and now I unapologetically accept who I am without any second thoughts. I did learn that other people will try to change you into being what they want you to be, but you have to stand firm and understand who you are because at the end of the day, you are the one with your thoughts in your head and you are the one who has to live with the decisions that you’ve made, and I can assure you that if you made a decision for someone other than yourself, at some point, you will regret it because you weren’t staying true to who you are. You weren’t listening to yourself and you didn’t trust your instincts that are the very thing that have brought you to where you are. If you get swept up in what other people want you to do or be, then you’re not allowing yourself to be you. Four years later I am happy to be confident in the woman I have become and I am so grateful that I had the bravery to take the leap of faith in order to be able to do that. I think back to how I thought that myself and those around me were so different when in reality we are all so much the same. We all want to be loved and accepted and feel a sense of worth. We all go through struggles, and although those struggles might be different, the pain that we feel is essentially the same. We struggle to understand how important we truly are and how important it is to listen to ourselves. We all go through our experiences that change us, either for the better or they fracture us, but it is up to us to decide how that moment defines us.

All of the things that I have learned have made me into the person I am today. I trust my gut, I stay true to who I am, and I live for myself. I understand that things change and although they are uncomfortable, they are necessary. I also now know that sometimes the things that are scariest, like taking a leap of faith, never knowing where you will land are the best things that you can do for yourself. However, the main thing that I have learned is that you don’t have to box yourself into one container, you can be many different things and you have the ability to redefine yourself at any point, but you have to actively choose to do that. Now as I end high school, I am free. Free to be whoever I want to be, unapologetically, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.